Step 1 – See

It’s strange how we had to learn
so much useless stuff that has no meaning in our lives,
and yet nothing about ourselves.
Emotions.
So often brushed off with a wave of the hand.
Silenced with a look.
Hidden in shame.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
That’s not appropriate.
What, are you going to cry now?
Shamed.
Shouted down.
Shut away.
I have a problem??
Nooo, sounds more like you do.
Our oversized reactions are a response
to our real, long-ignored emotions.
We explode the moment they get touched inside us.
But really, the whole point is just to be okay, right?
He’s okay.
She’s okay.
So I’m okay too.
Just the usual little problems like everyone.

How are you?
Good.

And then someone presses that red button of ours
… and boooooooooooom
Off we go 🙂
Noooooo, it doesn’t bother me at all.
BOOM. Like a volcano,
out pours anger, fury, and complaints.
Nooooo, I’m not even interested in all of that…
BOOM.
You’re still thinking about it a week later,
but of course, you won’t tell anyone
because… you’re fine. 🙂
And so, only by admitting it to yourself
can anything begin to change.
That’s the first step.
To see.
Not even to do anything with it yet.
Just to look.
At yourself.
How often you get triggered.
How often something pisses you off.
How often “those thoughts” steal your time
and space to live your life.
So I watched myself.
For a long time.
Just for me.
Noticing when I enter my hamster wheel and start running.
I observed myself so I could start
seeing those moments.
Those triggers.
Those switches.
Those red magic buttons of mine.
Not someone.
Not something.
I shifted the perspective of responsibility
from someone/something to me.
And I asked: Why?
What is this activating in me?
Why? What does it remind me of?
Why??
And most of all:
Why does it matter today?!

Because it’s not really about yesterday.
It’s about today
in which yesterday is still playing.

And I just wanted to live today, finally, only with today.
That’s why I started with observation.
❗️And meditation helped me deeply in that.
Sitting with myself and the feeling.
Simply sitting with whatever was there.
I always asked for help.
And I always thanked in advance for the Guidance.
Sometimes answers came right in that moment of silence,
and sometimes a few days later, through life.
I watched.
And I learned to observe.
Myself.
I don’t know how it will be for you,
because each of us walks their own unique path.
But it’s not enough to talk and ask…
If you want to help yourself,
you have to relearn how to read yourself.
You have to learn how to listen for the answers.
And they will come.