Nowhere.

Nowhere will I find greater peace
than the peace I have worked for
— within myself. 

Nowhere will I find greater comfort
in being, living, and experiencing life
than…
— within myself. 

I could travel all around the world.
Knock on many doors.
Talk to many people. 

But no place, person, or thing
will give me
what I need. 

That is why, for so long,
I did not have
what I needed so deeply. 

Because I did not know
that the holes and emptiness I carried
could only be filled by me. 

I will not lose them anywhere.
I will not replace them with anything.
I cannot make them disappear with anyone or anything. 

I can learn to fill
my holes and emptiness
only with my own attention, love, and understanding. 

A little as if, deep inside, 
I had become my own Nurturing Parent. 
My experience of being a parent has helped me with this
— I became one for myself as well. 

Because of that, I went
to the places where I knew I was still crying. 
I held myself and carried myself out
of those holes and emptiness. 
I came back for myself many times.
To different places. 
I learned to be patient with myself. 
I learned to be kind to myself. 
Because my greatest critic was within me. 
I gave myself permission to feel. 

How long will it take? 
Everyone has their own story. 

No one, however, will ever hold me
the way my parents could. 
No one can give me that.
Nothing can replace it. 
Even my parents cannot give it to me today. 
Only I can go back there
– to all those places that still hurt. 
Only I can sit there,
in all those situations,
– with my little girl. 

Until I convince her
that I will come back regularly,
and she begins to trust me. 
Until I take her into my arms,
and from every place of emptiness and loss,
she will leave with me in my arms. 
I will hold her so tightly
that I will feel her tears of despair on my skin,
and my own tears of gratitude, 
because today, I can,
and we can,
finally leave that place. 

Each time, closing the door. 
Not leaving it half-open.
Not slamming it shut. 
Closing it. 
With the peace of understanding.
With the acceptance of loss.
With the sadness of goodbye.
With anger at this life.
And with gratitude that I can. 
Simply close that door now. 🚪